Monday, September 13, 2010

Anxiety sets in but I am armed!

Young woman making face, showing palm in studio, elevated view, close-up
Today, I completed my 28th radiation treatment, leaving just 5 more to go!! As one of my wonderful friends put it - I can count them on one hand now!!

It is getting harder and harder to drag myself in there every day with the Irish skin under my arm all blistered now with worsening sunburn effects. They keep telling me that my skin looks a lot better than some of their patients at this point in the treatment but that only makes it harder - knowing it can get worse! After a few pep talks from FB friends, sisters and other cancer survivors over the weekend and a discussion with my oncologist's nurse I am now armed with Ativan to help with any more pre-treatment anxiety. However, once I picked it up from the pharmacy, I felt so much better knowing it was available to me that I didn't need to take one today. The brain is a funny thing!

I made the mistake of telling the nurse who was checking my skin that I felt brave after picking up the Rx and didn't end up taking it today after all - and that's when she got mad. She sat down beside me and said stop feeling like you need to be brave. "It hurts and you are allowed to admit that! You've had cancer she said and that is a big, big thing for anyone. Staying positive is important but not to the point where you are keeping all this anxiety in."

Ok, ok! I get it!! So here is my blog post admitting that my skin hurts, I hate cancer, it's hard to stay positive at the tail end of all this, and that I can't wait for it all to be over!!

But not one to stay in bed and wallow over it, this "7" on the enneagram has her ammo:
  • My wonderful David is now driving me to treatments every day so that if I need the Ativan I can take it....and I don't have to go in alone
  • I've dusted off the oxycodone that I didn't need after surgery and am taking it before bed so that I get a full night's sleep.
  • During the day I'm taking "Vitamin I" (ibuprofen) to keep the swelling/pain down as well as using the saline packs my nurses gave me
  • I've got all of you in my court sending good vibes and notes and staying connected so I can ask for help.
  • I've got all my pink stuff out to make me laugh and remind me of all of you.

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