Celebrate every moment like White Dog does

With three treatments left I have a bigger smile on my face than my delicious dog does in this photo!

We can learn so much from our pets - most importantly how to live more fully in each and every moment. Islay Bear shows me this every single day. He loves to run at full tilt when we let him out - chasing the latest scents as if he'd never done it before, following new trails, happy as can be, greeting each visitor as if they are the most important thing in the world to him, handling each treat as special requiring inspection and careful consumption on his most favorite corner of the rug.

And he knows. Knows mom needs a little extra loving these days. He snugs a little longer in the morning, waits patiently for me to fully wake, gives me gentle kisses and then carefully guides me out beyond the bedroom where all the fun and food is.

Three more treatments! That's it! I'm going to follow my dog's lead in this time and enjoy every single moment in the now and not anticipate more beams or resulting effects. I am going to accept the warm smiles and positive comments the staff doles out each day. I am going to smile broadly as I walk into the treatment room knowing these will be the last times I experience it.

I wrote a haiku to try and capture this lesson:

White Dog shows the way

every moment of each day

much to celebrate

Anxiety sets in but I am armed!

Today, I completed my 28th radiation treatment, leaving just 5 more to go!! As one of my wonderful friends put it - I can count them on one hand now!!

It is getting harder and harder to drag myself in there every day with the Irish skin under my arm all blistered now with worsening sunburn effects. They keep telling me that my skin looks a lot better than some of their patients at this point in the treatment but that only makes it harder - knowing it can get worse! After a few pep talks from FB friends, sisters and other cancer survivors over the weekend and a discussion with my oncologist's nurse I am now armed with Ativan to help with any more pre-treatment anxiety. However, once I picked it up from the pharmacy, I felt so much better knowing it was available to me that I didn't need to take one today. The brain is a funny thing!

I made the mistake of telling the nurse who was checking my skin that I felt brave after picking up the Rx and didn't end up taking it today after all - and that's when she got mad. She sat down beside me and said stop feeling like you need to be brave. "It hurts and you are allowed to admit that! You've had cancer she said and that is a big, big thing for anyone. Staying positive is important but not to the point where you are keeping all this anxiety in."

Ok, ok! I get it!! So here is my blog post admitting that my skin hurts, I hate cancer, it's hard to stay positive at the tail end of all this, and that I can't wait for it all to be over!!

But not one to stay in bed and wallow over it, this "7" on the enneagram has her ammo:

• My wonderful David is now driving me to treatments every day so that if I need the Ativan I can take it....and I don't have to go in alone
• I've dusted off the oxycodone that I didn't need after surgery and am taking it before bed so that I get a full night's sleep.
• During the day I'm taking "Vitamin I" (ibuprofen) to keep the swelling/pain down as well as using the saline packs my nurses gave me
• I've got all of you in my court sending good vibes and notes and staying connected so I can ask for help.
• I've got all my pink stuff out to make me laugh and remind me of all of you.

10 Day Countdown!

I am all relaxed from a week of vacation, some fun events, and visits with good friends! I am rejuvenated and ready to dive back into work full of energy and renewed enthusiasm. It is amazing what time off does to the soul and the mind - and so important for all of us to indulge in every now and then.

23 down and 10 to go!! My 10 treatment countdown starts today and that fills me with joy and relief. The burn effects from the radiation are now somewhat painful for this pasty white irish girl's skin but the 10 day countdown posted on my fridge is how I'm going to get through it (that and a little extra aloe from the monster plants we have growing in our bathroom!) I have been exing off each day as I complete a treatment and took great delight in marking my last 10 treatment days with their number last week. Exing them out will be my own mini celebration and my big red sharpie pen is ready! I'm already planning my goodbye gifts for the wonderful St. Peter's Radiation Oncology staff. So far a mixed case of Blanc de Blanc (sparkling wine) and Pomme Bolle (hard cider) from Hudson-Chatham Winery tops the list.

I'll be mostly working from home these next two weeks and very appreciative of a boss and team that understands that this is necessary at this point in my treatments. We have all been remote workers at IBM for so long that it's not a big deal and we've all adjusted to it with tools like blackberries, instant messaging, conference calls, and webcast presentations. There is still nothing like face to face meetings to gel us as a team though and I look forward to September 21st when will have our next team get together.

Thanks for all the continued support and good wishes. I hope you all had a relaxing Labor Day Weekend and looking forward to the beautiful fall weather that is already starting here in the Northeast.